i feel like such a fatass.
i took some pictures last night, and it made me realize how far i ahve let myself go... so i am off to the workout room. if anyone is looking for a workout partner, my apt has a little weight room, we can use it...
i jst want some moral support in my fitness endevor...

and ephedra is legal again... yesssssssssss.

Date:	2005-05-16 01:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	type o negative - cinnamon girl.

spent the weekend with tim.
i was a shit on friday. im really glad that my idiocy didnt seriously undo good things. being a depressed drunk is lame.... why did i have to start it now?

i helped tim organize his room today. loads of work... for him mostly. i felt kinda like the cheerleader going "yeah tiger!!! go! lift that bedframe!!! you show it whos boss!" but yeah. his room and the basement chillout are even cooler than they were before... id rather be hanging out down there than at home... its comfy, and im jealous...
im glad roz isnt moving to L.A. along with the rest of the fucking world... i HATE L.A.!!! its really lame to me that evreyone is bailing on clean norcal air for gaseous mud.

i want my chihuahua damnit!
and i need my fucking haircut.

my goodness. i have such a potty mouth as of late!

ill remember to put that on my list of self improvement tasks...along with every other practicaly impossible thing.

and tim popped my star wars cherry today... i broke down and watched episode one this afternoon. i feel like such a quitter.

Date:	2005-05-09 23:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	fugazi

so i missed the new family guy, and apparrantly i am like the only one.

this makes me angry...

you wouldnt like me, when im angry....

i get my gas card back on wednesday. you know what that means! well, probably not. but, just so you know, it means i get to go see tim. that makes me very happy. i like how much i smile when hes around. i always feel so much prettier when i smile.

i am crushed....
i have known that coke has been circulating in this scene lately, and it really makes me sick. ive been there. ive gone through all that already. i have seen it destroy, not only myself, but my closest firends and lovers as well, and now i come to find, someone i have recently really gotten attached to, is using coke. and it has broken my heart. in two. snap.
honestly. how stupid can you be.
i have talked with him about my experiences, and still, he learned nothing from what i said. i am so sad i dont know what to do. im really thought this was the coolest person i had come across in a long while, and now. im so disappointed.


*NOTE!!!!!

it is not tim. he is waaaaay too smart for dumb shit like that.<3<3<3

Date:	2005-05-08 12:18
Subject:	if she doesnt wake up screaming
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	radio berlin

i had the worst nightmares of my life last night.
3.
all worse than the next.
the first woke me with a start and racing heartbeat.
the second woke me with a cold sweat and shakes.
and after the third i awoke to a soaking wet pillow and tears all over my face.
these are the first nightmares i have had in weeks...
and now i remeber why i hate dreaming...
because my dreams are here during the day kissing my lips, and my fears haunt my subconsious at night... turning those dreams into horriifying viritual realities, that i just cant run away from.

damn everyone i have ever loved in the past for fucking me over and doing this to my mind.

because i am tired of being afraid of my love.

Date:	2005-05-05 13:34
Subject:	blahzay.
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	in my head: interpol, stella <3

im bored. suprise suprise. i talked to johny this morning, right after sleeping the enitre drive to sacramento... tim was showering. it really made me sad. he asked what was up, and out of all the things he told me not to do during our relationship, lie was the biggest, so i was honest with him. i said "im in sacramento" to which his reply was
"oh, at your new boyfriend's house?" and i just kind of sat there. seriously what am i supposed to say about that? be honest and say, "why yes in fact, we just got back to sacramento from his 3 day visit to my apartment in chico. where he slept with me, in my bed, next to me, in the same sheets you used to sleep in." or then again i could do what i did and just remain silent. i really miss talking to johnny and hanging out with him, but i think the reason i have been subconsiously avoiding it is, i am afraid to hurt him. maybe now i that i have figured out what has been holding me back, i can move forward and get over this already.

all of this running through my head while tim is sleeping like a little baby behind me... i really wish he would wake up so i can hold him and kiss him before i leave. i always enjoy that. he makes me so happy i could just squeak. which i have been doing a lot lattely, so there you go...



(my sincerest apologies to anyone who didnt really want to know any of this information. if there was a way to make you un-read it, trust me, i would.)

Date:	2005-05-02 23:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	grossed out
Music:	joan of arc - fingerpicking

oatmeal is gross. i dont care what you think. it just is. 19 years ive been trying to brainwash myself into thinking its acceptable food.
fuck that. im done.
yuck.

Date:	2005-05-02 22:58
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	and you will know us by the trail of dead - worlds apart????

so i have been sick.
and i am better now.
tummy is still uneasy, but well, when is it not recently....
i had an awesome dinner. im always suprised when my random improvisations turn out well. bailey even ventured to try it, a rare occurrance. annnnd i got a compliment, or two. i am quite chuffed.
i am going to lynard skynard (is that how you spell it?) on friday in dixon, im hoping i dont work late... and if i am i really hope someone will trade with me.
im going to dress like a redneck and yell "freeeee birrrrd!" it will be grand.
and now im cleaning my room. bored as fuck. never realized i own so many clothes. really. i need to get rid of so much.
no excuse.
*shakes head*

downloading more music than i have in a long time... suggestions?

my new screen name....aim:

bourgeoisleaze

add it if you wish

Date:	2005-05-01 17:42
Subject:	bloody vomit
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated
Music:	new end original

oh my god im sick.
puke = concentrated evil.
getting better thankully.
tim has been doing a wonderful job holding my hair back, and pulling over so i can peek my head out of the door to take care of business.
puking on the side of the freeway is for the real thugs.
word.

illness has made me slightly delerious.

so it seems like im having the scene party of he century... im excited.

HUGE FUCKING PARTY AT MY HOUSE ON SATURDAY!!!

ATHENA IN HADES IS PLAYING.
everyone has seemed hella stoked about it allready. im kinda scared. house is a mess and i dont really feel like cleaning...
i am going to my first toga party ever tomorrow in humbolt gonna be hell of fun, but now i have to get my toga ready... and figure out where the hell i am driving to up there...

it is going to be a crazy weekend...


<3 i miss timo </3

Date:	2005-04-16 13:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	john vanderslice

i havent been online in over a week, and im really upset i broke that today. every fucking time i come on here i see shit i dont want to see, read shit i dont want to know. my next relationship or what the hell ever is going to consist of absolutley no online contact. and i need to make more friends in real life.

i withdrew from school this week. no more class till fall. its my new hope, im starting over next semester. i see it as another chance NOT to fuck up my life, but everyone i talk to keeps taking it as a bad thing, even going so far as to blame it on my habits... its a step in the right direction, not the wrong one. i wish someone besides bailey and i got that. she told me she was proud of me. i almost cried.

anyway. im going out tonight, i get to dress pretty, so im happyish. im going to coffee or something with therron before tho. its going to be the first time weve ever hung out one on one. im nervous, but then again im silly. my tummy must be too, cuz its yelling at me. loud. and well i was in a great mood a minute ago, and now im not... seeing that shit i dont want to see. im going to make an effort to cheer mself back up. anchors away.

Date:	2005-04-08 10:31
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	bright eyes fevers and mirrors

if it werent for the fact that itis clinically impossible to kill yourself by holding your breath, i would be dead by now.

because today i just dont feel like breathing.

Date:	2005-04-07 21:49
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy
Music:	if i hear a sound ill burst into tears.

my heart has a thumb shaped bruise. my worst day ever just turned into an even worse night. im all jumbled up and confused... i knew i shouldnt have let my guard down. youd think after all the times i have, id learn... well, i cant say im really suprised, we all know how thick headed i can be.
and no weekend at my moms alone with a this certain someone... moms not going out of town after all. looks like ill be taking back that lingere...



...so my fabulous weekend and "looking a lot better" life just went to shit... again... like always.

Date:	2005-04-07 15:13
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	ironico... ha ha. smashing pumpkins, today.

today sucks.
i totally went to all my classes.
were doing perspective in art. i did it when i was in 8th grade, and frankly it hasnt gotten any harder. so i was bored to death from 8 till 11.

then went to philospaphy, where i fell asleep till i heard him say that anyone who missed the last test (which i did...), should go to the computer lab and make it up right now. so i went. but the bastard lied. it wouldnt let me take the test. so i was sad.

government midterm was next.
i actually think i did well, so that waas good. also, i found an extra $100 in the bank yesterday, allowing me to catch up on some debt. so finally i was getting a little comfortable.

my comfort was short lived.

got home and was hanging out with bailey. my mom calls. apparrantly the school library has fined me $180 for 2 library books that i didnt even remember borrowing, and not only that, but they are taking it to the collections people... grrrreat.

so i went and took a nice, long, relaxing shower, and i think that was the best idea i have ever had.
i just let go and thought about tim. instantly felt immense relief.

and so im sitting here clean and trying to maintain a positive outlook for the rest of the day, and my life in fact. lately i have been letting myself slip at it a little, and well, its not a good thing to do. i get to go to tims after work at 9:30, and i have 3 days with him. only us. wonderful. thank god, i need it.

Date:	2005-04-04 12:56
Subject:	fuck
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	cannibal corpse... random shit

i really do care too much about narcissistic people. even though i have NO responsibility to anyone but myself, i still let "friends" reactions to my actions hold emotional power over me.
its frustrating, and im putting it to a stop right now. if you dont like what i do, fine. fuck you. cuz im still going to do it, whenever the fuck i want. talk it up, lie all you want, because i feel what is right, and im not your bitch anymmore.

Date:	2005-04-02 15:08
Subject:	im dancing with the capulet...
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious
Music:	random bumps and thuds from the band below

this morning i awoke to a kiss and it nearly made me cry. these are the best feelings i have felt in what seems like lifetimes, and yet my heart and mind fight amongst them tooth and nail. the slightest hint of of posession sets my hair on end, and yet when i feel he isnt mine i burn alive. this new passion is foreign and creates in me a fear like i have never felt. and it gets harder and harder to deny to myself. with every passing moment, i love him, and it kills me.

Date:	2005-03-31 12:44
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	he is legend - dinner witha gypsy

CEASER CHAVEZ DAY!!!!! i totally didnt know till last night and the whole city was partying.


and i feel so bad, cuz i told dave, my friend from vaca he couldnt stay at my place last night since i had class at 8 in the morning and there would be no partying. lameness.

i went to a black light party last night... at blakes. got hit on by bros like whut. it was lame, and i gues the rule was to wear a wife beater so people could write stupid shit "like boobs are here --------->" stuff like that on them in highlighter. i looked hella cute, and didnt want to be written on so we left. then went to crystals, took some cuervo shots... you know since chavez day in chico is jose cuervo day....
then came home, watched adult swim with my NEW ROOMATE!!!! joelle and her bf brian, whom i havent seen in ages. i passed out in the papasan. and that was it.
now im debating whether to take a shower or sit here in my morningness some more. hooray for 5 day weekends.


OH AND ONE MORE THING:

everyone got to SHOWBREAD! because they are fucking awesome and i am gonna dance like woah! you should too!

wow. i think this has been quite possibly the best weekend i have ever had. ever.

friday rozie and tim were here. earlier that week olin had suggested that he and i get crunked on friday, and seeing as i had visitors, did we ever. oh boy.
i remeber the neighbors hanging out, and meeting cool new kids. ben was rad.
tim took myspace pics of me and rozie. that kid has a gift. he can make anyone look gorgeous, even totally wasted....
everyone tackled me in the kitchen and tried to tickle me till i peed, until i nearly kicked somone in the face...
tim decided it would be a good idea to repeatedly throw himself down our stairs into the wall. thank goodness bailey wasnt too inebriated to go get a pillow to cushion his landing, since there was absolutly no talking him out of it...
crystal and tim thought it was funny to slap my tummy, so tim held me down while crystal slapped me so hard i still have a hand shaped bruise...
then when i started to cry and mentioned that my crying got tims attention she blew up on me about being a pussy and all this stuff... the short version is i ended up bawling my eyes out totally plastered in front of everyone. hella embarrassing...
i kept losing rozie, or i should say she kept wandering off, mostly to ben"s vicinity...
mike bike came over to rescue rozie i guess, but i already had, so he left, i kind wish he hadnt, hes always fun to party with...
saturday morning i awoke to tims pretty face, and we had one of the best, most romantic (apart from the minor hangover.), relaxing mornings i have had in a long long long long time. it was wonderful.
rozie and i drove tim home to sac, and got to talk like we used to for the first time in forever.it was lovely. then i had to go to work... lame.

last night, monday, was one month from the first time i came to see tim. there was afree these arms are snakes show in davis, so we decided to go...
we invited therron and x, and tims friend dany showed up too. on the way we picked up some captain morgan and cherry coke, and therron grabbed some gin. the entire way therreon went through my i pod and we all talked about music. it was rad, therron is fucking cool. tim and i had a great time at the show, all the bands were rad, especially tera melos. i was crunked, so i got my ass shakin on, i have no rythm, so it was quite funny im sure.
at the after party, we hung out with these arms are snakes, and a bunch of friends from vacaville who came up to the show as well. sean and colin, and brian... and i got to meet abbey again. i met tims ex amie. i was pretty nervous, but it turned out well. she is a sweetheart and hilarious when she is wasted... she almost ripped poor timos ear off. ha ha.
but yeah it was a great time.
best ever.


and it made it one million and a half times better because it was all with tiger. <3 <3 <3 <3